From Hurt to Healing
It has been Seven years since my husband was called to full time ministry. In October, 2011, we packed up our belongings and set out on a journey that would forever change our lives. Leaving everything behind us. Our jobs, our families, and our Southern roots to travel to a place I had never even heard of. Bellefonte, Pennsylvania. At the time we didn't think about how it was all going to pan out, we were just excited to begin this new adventure. Being in full time ministry was something Scott and I dreamed of but never thought it would actually come to pass but God had different plans for us. Scott started out as the Youth & Children's Pastor and did an excellent job at it. He is a natural with children and youth aged kids. He knows how to really connect with them on their level and reach them in a way I never really could.
The first six months I did my best to try and be a "good" Pastor's wife. I guess you could say I played the role and supported him in every aspect of the job. He was above and beyond excited that God would choose him to fill this position and I was happy for him as well. Even though there was a time I was all smiles on the outside, I was dying on the inside. I always thought of myself to be a very independent person. Having to fend for myself since the age of 17, that's another story for another day, I thought for sure I could handle being away from my family and friends to do the work of the Lord. I never imagined being 2,000 miles away from home would have such an impact on me like it did.
I fell into a deep depression. The pain in my heart from missing my family and friends was something I had never experienced before. Even though there was a time in my life as a young adult I separated myself from my family, in my mind they were still there. I was still close because we lived in the same city, but this time it was different. I couldn't just jump in the car to go visit my parents. Attending birthday parties and holiday gatherings were out of the question. Realizing this was how it was going to be from now on was a painful transition. My heart was hurting. My husband dragged me all the way up here and I was miserable.
In the middle of all of my emotions and wanting nothing more than to go back home, it didn't help that Scott was being spiritually attacked. The devil wanted to sift him as wheat. He was facing adversity and being challenged in his calling. I began questioning whether or not we made the right decision. I wanted to pack up and head out of dodge. At the time I didn't care if Scott and the kids came with me or not. I know that's not a very godly thing to say, but I'm being transparent here. I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt that Scott didn't understand the hurt I was feeling. The loneliness and emptiness of not having my family around. I came from a large family, we were all very close, then to have it all stripped away was like tearing a part of my heart out of my chest.
I had no desire to read my Bible or pray. I didn't want to talk to God unless I was expressing my discontent and anger to Him. There was a time I didn't even want to walk into the doors of the church again. It was the darkest time of my life and it's a time I never want to walk through again. For over a year I was struggling with these emotions and feelings. Not really knowing how to break free from it all. Every thought you can imagine crossed my mind. It took a long time to get to the place where I would be "ok" with the decision that we packed up and left all that I knew behind. After all, facing hard times and walking through fiery trials was not something I signed up for. No one wants to go through heartache, adversity, loneliness, or depression. As a Christian we think we are exempt from hard times but that isn't the case at all. In fact, Jesus says, "I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
As believers, God doesn't promise us a rainbows and lollipops. Quite the contrary. He says we will face trials and tribulations. Hard times that will test our faith. The question is will we pass the test? Will we remain faithful to a God that promises to never leave us or forsake us even though at times we feel like He is so distant that He doesn't even seem real and we begin to question our own faith?
Will we allow the enemy to defeat us or will we hide under the shadow of the Almighty and allow Him to be our defender and the lifter of our head?
Sometimes I still wonder why I had to go through the spiritual battle I faced. One day, if the Lord allows, I will be able share more in detail of what led to the struggles I had to endure but for now what I want you to take away from my story is this; No matter what life throws your way, no matter how far it takes you and removes you from your comfort zone, God will remain faithful. He will comfort you. He will meet you right where you are. In your darkest hour. He never left my side. His Holy Spirit continued to draw me and kept me. I wanted to run away. I wanted to no longer be a "Pastor's Wife." I was lonely and heartbroken. But God reminded me that His word is true and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
Seven years later, my husband is now serving as the lead Pastor of our church. We have learned so much and have grown in our relationship with God and each other. Going on seventeen years of marriage, it is stronger now than it has ever been. We had to lean on each other to get through the difficult times because we were all each other had. Well each other and God!
I am thankful and grateful for the loving kindness, grace and mercy of my Lord and Savior. I am forever thankful that He doesn't walk out on us when we get to the place of despair. I am forever thankful that he turned my Hurt into Healing.
The first six months I did my best to try and be a "good" Pastor's wife. I guess you could say I played the role and supported him in every aspect of the job. He was above and beyond excited that God would choose him to fill this position and I was happy for him as well. Even though there was a time I was all smiles on the outside, I was dying on the inside. I always thought of myself to be a very independent person. Having to fend for myself since the age of 17, that's another story for another day, I thought for sure I could handle being away from my family and friends to do the work of the Lord. I never imagined being 2,000 miles away from home would have such an impact on me like it did.
I fell into a deep depression. The pain in my heart from missing my family and friends was something I had never experienced before. Even though there was a time in my life as a young adult I separated myself from my family, in my mind they were still there. I was still close because we lived in the same city, but this time it was different. I couldn't just jump in the car to go visit my parents. Attending birthday parties and holiday gatherings were out of the question. Realizing this was how it was going to be from now on was a painful transition. My heart was hurting. My husband dragged me all the way up here and I was miserable.
In the middle of all of my emotions and wanting nothing more than to go back home, it didn't help that Scott was being spiritually attacked. The devil wanted to sift him as wheat. He was facing adversity and being challenged in his calling. I began questioning whether or not we made the right decision. I wanted to pack up and head out of dodge. At the time I didn't care if Scott and the kids came with me or not. I know that's not a very godly thing to say, but I'm being transparent here. I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt that Scott didn't understand the hurt I was feeling. The loneliness and emptiness of not having my family around. I came from a large family, we were all very close, then to have it all stripped away was like tearing a part of my heart out of my chest.
I had no desire to read my Bible or pray. I didn't want to talk to God unless I was expressing my discontent and anger to Him. There was a time I didn't even want to walk into the doors of the church again. It was the darkest time of my life and it's a time I never want to walk through again. For over a year I was struggling with these emotions and feelings. Not really knowing how to break free from it all. Every thought you can imagine crossed my mind. It took a long time to get to the place where I would be "ok" with the decision that we packed up and left all that I knew behind. After all, facing hard times and walking through fiery trials was not something I signed up for. No one wants to go through heartache, adversity, loneliness, or depression. As a Christian we think we are exempt from hard times but that isn't the case at all. In fact, Jesus says, "I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
As believers, God doesn't promise us a rainbows and lollipops. Quite the contrary. He says we will face trials and tribulations. Hard times that will test our faith. The question is will we pass the test? Will we remain faithful to a God that promises to never leave us or forsake us even though at times we feel like He is so distant that He doesn't even seem real and we begin to question our own faith?
Will we allow the enemy to defeat us or will we hide under the shadow of the Almighty and allow Him to be our defender and the lifter of our head?
Sometimes I still wonder why I had to go through the spiritual battle I faced. One day, if the Lord allows, I will be able share more in detail of what led to the struggles I had to endure but for now what I want you to take away from my story is this; No matter what life throws your way, no matter how far it takes you and removes you from your comfort zone, God will remain faithful. He will comfort you. He will meet you right where you are. In your darkest hour. He never left my side. His Holy Spirit continued to draw me and kept me. I wanted to run away. I wanted to no longer be a "Pastor's Wife." I was lonely and heartbroken. But God reminded me that His word is true and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
Seven years later, my husband is now serving as the lead Pastor of our church. We have learned so much and have grown in our relationship with God and each other. Going on seventeen years of marriage, it is stronger now than it has ever been. We had to lean on each other to get through the difficult times because we were all each other had. Well each other and God!
I am thankful and grateful for the loving kindness, grace and mercy of my Lord and Savior. I am forever thankful that He doesn't walk out on us when we get to the place of despair. I am forever thankful that he turned my Hurt into Healing.
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